Love

I just finished an EMDR session where we focused on the flashback of the lady pulling Jackson away from me and telling me I couldn't have him. YUCK!! Really it makes me kinda want to throw-up! But it was a good session and I want to share a couple thoughts that
I ended the session with.
Just because something horrible happens it doesn't automatically mean I am a horrible person.
Have you ever thought about Christs' love being perfect?
Have you ever thought that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are the only ones who have achieved "perfect" love?
Have you ever thought maybe we aren't suppose to be perfect yet?
Have you ever thought that love even imperfect love might just be the best we can do for now and that is just fine?

Halloween Fun!!

Sweet witch Allie

Jazz Baby Emma

Batman Jackson

Reuben: Superman

Nora:Cutest Lil' Flower Ever

Update

We finally got the transcript from the pre-trial hearing.
The pre-trial has been postponed from November 19th until December 3rd.
If patience is a virtue...then I will be a virtuous woman when we get through this!

4-4-4 Tag

How fun: Emma's first time on roller skates.
Shortly after this picture I found roller blades for $4.96 for her.

These are the rules:
1. Go to your pictures.
2. Upload the fourth picture from the fourth folder.
3. Post.
4. Tag 4 friends. I don't feel like tagging 4 friends but if you want to feel free!

EMDR

I am sure I just heard you say, "What is EMDR?"I will try my best to answer your question.
My counselor through LDS Family Services suggested trying EMDR. It is used to treat posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Previous to last Thursday I would have flashbacks of Lloyd being tasered 15 to 20 times a day.
This doesn't include the other flashbacks of the group yelling at me, sitting in the police car, etc. etc. I was willing to try almost anything but very nervous.

Here is what I have learned: In normal life you process events during REM sleep. Sometimes if you experience a trauma your brain can have a hard time moving the event out of the Fight, Flee or Freeze part of the brain. When this happens for an extended amount of time (over a month) it can be considered PTSD. Once you become somewhat stable you can simulate REM by
doing EMDR in a controlled situation.

My experience: On Thursday I met with my counselor, Linda. I knew we were going to try EMDR. I had to start by getting the most vivid picture/sound of Lloyd being tasered in my mind. Then I would follow Linda's fingers as they passed back and forth in front of my eyes. There is a set number of times she does the pass but that wasn't my part. After she does the passes then
she would ask what thought or feeling I was experiencing. Amazingly there was always something pretty clear. I have to admit things got worse before they got better. At the end of the session I thought we had been doing EMDR 15 maybe 20 minutes.

It had really been 2 HOURS!! That my friends is a lot of brain processing!

When we stopped I just felt sad that Lloyd was tasered but I no longer had the sense of imminent danger and the need to run. I could still get a picture but it seemed far away.

Today: I don't even feel sad. I am down to a couple taser flashbacks a day. The flashbacks are very different, it is more of an acknowledgment that Lloyd was tasered If I want to get a picture I have to work pretty hard. It is like my brain wants to check one spot and then has to go searching.

Tomorrow: I can't predict the future. I don't know if the trial will bring things back up. I do know that we will be doing EMDR for each flashback scene and then the whole park scene. It may take more sessions to experience permanent relief.

I am thankful for the relief of the past two days.

I actually cleaned my house today!

Quirks Tag

6 Quirky things about you.

• Rules: Thank the person who tagged you and mention these rules on your blog.
• Tell 6 UNSPECTACULAR Quirks about yourself and tag 6 fellow bloggers.

Thanks Heidi!!

1. I have had 5 kids and only one epidural. NOT by my choice. Allie and Emma were born in Montana and they didn't do epidurals at that hospital. Jackson we got to the hospital to late. Reuben the anetheologist didn't make it in time. Nora was the winner we knew it was the last chance so they gave me the epidural almost before I was in pain!!
2. I hate the dark. If I have to go outside and I am alone I will run. If someone is around I have to control myself and do a brisk walk. The light is soooo much better.
3. I pride myself in being able to do little girls hair but can't comb my boys hair to save my life! Lloyd often re-combs the boys hair after my attempt. :0
   
4. I can't stand having my fingernails painted (other than clear polish) but love having my toe nails painted.
5. I love to be barefoot. Thus in the summer I spend hours using a pumice stone on my feet so they don't crack and hurt.
6. I have to be on time. Lloyd always jokes that if I am not 5 minutes early then I'm late.
   

I tag: Tiffany, Ann, Janeal, Jake, Janette, Kelli and anyone else who reads this