Circling the Wagons

At one of my doctor appointments last year he made the comment I was circling the wagons. Last night I was pondering this thought. The only time I have any real knowledge of this event was when the pioneers were crossing the plains. From my knowledge they would circle the wagons to protect themselves from wild animals and any who would want to cause harm. They did this at night and in the morning they continued their laborious journey to the west.

In July and August I circled our small family and drew in each child. The only problem was I didn't start on the journey again. Lloyd put me in the wagon with our sweet baby and drove our team on. Our other enthusiastic children were anxious to continue on the adventure. I think many times the pioneer children felt excitement in their adventure too, while parents felt the burden of the journey. As our family continued the journey I stayed in the wagon. Watching kids play and grow from the flaps but not able to get out and walk. I let very few people into the wagon, I was grateful for the company and words of wisdom. Yet, I still sat in the wagon, moving along the trail just at time moves along in life.

September came, I had come out of the wagon a few times. Sweet children at play, we were moving as a family making slow but steady progress. Then we had a raid on our wagon. I drew everyone inside the wagon with me. Soon, I felt the children would be better off in another wagon because I hadn't protected them from or stopped the raid. We would bring the children home at night when we circled and Lloyd could be in the wagon too. The few people I let in my wagon before became even less. Friends who I loved and cared for, I was unable to open the flap to let them in. Knowing others were trying to move their family along the trail, I knew they couldn't stop to try to and get me out of the wagon, nor did I want them to fall behind because of me. So, I sat in the wagon wishing the journey was over. Lloyd continued driving the team and taking care of the children. The children happy in the journey.

Last night I remembered that Brigham Young had the pioneers sing and I think dance at night after the long days journey. I guess I forgot that part of the journey. I am not sure there won't be many days ahead where I still need to ride in the wagon with Lloyd pulling us along. But now I have realized the loss of 6 months where I might have found small glimpses of joy had I not shut out those I cared about and enjoyed being around them. I am sad for the loss or those I have driven away by not opening the flap of my wagon. I am grateful for the few who were able to find a way through a closed flap.

Here I am the first day of the New Year. Still sitting in the wagon but maybe I will open the flap today and look out. Maybe today I will see the smiles on the kids faces and let it fill me too. Maybe tonight we will play music and dance while the wagon is circled. I still feel weak from the months in the wagon but today I have hope. I hope that someday I will get out of the wagon and run along side of my boys. I hope I will be able to express appreciation for those who have been with our family in the journey. I have hope that not every day will be a day where I want to keep the wagons circled. I realize today if I keep the wagons circled we will never get where we need to go and time continues with or with out me.